I want to be as honest as I can on this blog.
If for no other reason than to a) keep a true and honest record of this journey and b) to be able to help someone else who might be feeling this way, and wondering if they're the only ones.
I am SO excited to adopt. But for me to say that my desire to conceive, carry and deliver a biological child is gone, would be a lie.
I think about my inability to have a biological child almost daily. And some days it doesn't seem like a really big deal because a mother is a mother no matter how she became one right?
And on other days I just feel so incredibly heavy hearted and sad for myself.
How is it that the ONE thing I've always wanted, more than anything else, cant be?
Sometimes when I think about all of this, it seriously almost seems like I'm having an out of body experience. This can't be me. I NEVER imagined I would be on this side of the fence.
It seems almost unreal. Like a dream. One I'm just waiting to wake up from.
On the days that I'm feeling sorry for myself. I sometimes start to worry If we are rushing the adoption thing. Have I truly healed from my "loss"?
And then those thoughts make me even more sad.
Am I destined to spend the next several years yearning for a baby, yet not being ready for adoption. All while watching all the women around me have what I want?
I had one of these moments yesterday. But through this sad moment I was able to discover something about the situation that has helped me to know that I am ready for the adoption process.
I was having dinner with some friends, one of whom is 20 weeks pregnant.
Seeing her cute little swelling belly, and hearing her stories of him kicking and her pregnancy symptoms, well...it's hard.
But its not hard in a break down, wanna cry way.
It just makes me heart clench a little.
I came home from that dinner.. just sad.
And as I went to bed I prayed. I prayed that God would just help me through these tough times. And again for the millionth time I asked "WHY?" why have you taken this from me?
And before I fell asleep last night I realized...
I don't get sad when I'm around my friends who have children. Even newborns.
When I'm around that it makes me excited! I know one day I will get the joy of holding MY babe in my arms, rocking them to sleep, even being up all night with them etc.
The part that's hard for me is the pregnancy.
The part of motherhood that I will never get to experience.
I will never be able to chime in with my experience when other moms are talking about the struggles during their pregnancies or did or didn't they experience morning sickness. Or how their "favorite part" of pregnancy was those sweet little kicks that eventually turned into quick jabs, taking their breath away.
Its sounds silly, but its almost like an exclusive club that I will never be a part of.
I know reading this, if you're a mom and you might be thinking that I'm lucky that I don't have to experience morning sickness, gaining weight, stretch marks, sleepless nights etc. But I would almost give anything to experience those things.
The fact that my body did something amazing. I was carrying life!
After all is said and done, I woke up this morning and I'm feeling good. I know that in the life of a mother the pregnancy although so incredibly memorable and special is also just a blink of an eye. And that the most rewarding part is when you are able to love, teach and care for your sweet babe. That part of the journey I WILL get to experience. One day! And for that my heart leaps!!
My body may not be pregnant, but heart is expanding with love for a babe I have yet to meet.
Not showing but still glowing!
xoxo: Momma A